In reading the patch notes to World of Warcraft, it is easy to see a certain critical intelligence behind the notes, belying a certain amount of critical undertones in the notes. I have attempted to extract these undertones from the notes and put their meanings out where it’s easy for the average player to see.
# The quest log is now double-paned for more easily viewing quest information. The list of all quests a player has will show in one pane, while the quest details of any highlighted quest will display in the next.
Do your poor, strained eyes tire from the tiny morsels of story we still attempt to fruitlessly inject into your grind fest? Fear not, all the irrelevant information pertaining to what your quest is actually about will be helpfully segregated off to one side of the quest log, leaving you, the treasured player, to be free to easily scan the objectives and determine how many of what you have to whack with unprecedented ease.
# Mathiel in Darnassus has finally earned himself enough money from your repair bills that he was able to buy himself an anvil.
We realized an armorer should have an anvil.
# A new repair bot has been added, and his name is Jeeves. He is the ultimate gentleman robot butler, able to perform all the mundane tasks of repairing, selling and buying junk for your entire raid.
Somebody at Blizzard likes P.G. Wodehouse and Stephen Fry.
Author’s Note: They failed, however, to make the distinction that Jeeves is not a ‘butler,’ he is a valet.
# Players who do not wish to gain experience through PvP can visit Behsten in Stormwind or Slahtz in Orgrimmar – both located near the Battlemasters in either city – and turn off all experience accumulation for the cost of 10 gold.
STOP PANICKING, TWINKS
# Construction of the Crusaders’ Coliseum is complete. New raid normal and Heroic modes for the Crusaders’ Coliseum can be toggled using the Dungeon Difficulty setting. This applies to 10 and 25-player versions. 10-player (normal), 25-player (normal), 10-player (Heroic) and 25-player (Heroic) all share separate raid lockout timers.
After months of having the lower classes of Azeroth slave away in the icy, forsaken reaches of the north on a Coliseum that hadn’t grown a brick in size, the Coliseum will be instantly completed. After much debate about what to do with this new and exciting zone in Icecrown, we’ve decide to turn it into yet another raid, because only one was released last patch and that’s disappointing to the people who sink enough time in to become well-equipped enough to get into a guild good enough to be able to even enter one of these raids. There is also a 5-man instance in this patch for the peons, and players on higher levels of the Coliseum will be able to look down upon them from on high and use the /spit emote. The bosses of the raid will laugh along at this point for comic effect.
# Just when you thought you had seen the last of the Black Knight, he makes his astonishing return to the tournament. Wait, didn’t you kill him?
Guess what! If the fact that we’ve generally fallen into a cycle of alternatedly releasing raids and dailies isn’t enough to tip you off to the fact that we’ve lost much of our creative edge becoming bloated on profits, we have a surprise for you! Instead of making new NPCs and character dialogs, we’re continuing with an older quest that you thought you’d completed! It’s good times for all of us, except you.
# Wolvar and Gorloc orphans have arrived in Dalaran and need your help! Players can find out more by visiting the Eventide District (completing the quests being offered for this event will not count toward any Children’s Week achievements). Players have a limited amount of time to care for these orphans before they take their leave. They will then return again for the regularly-scheduled Children’s Week next year.
After much debate, we have concluded that the orphans’ quests weren’t already annoying enough. Now we have finally removed the dreaded ‘cuteness factor,’ and put two of our ugliest races’ orphans up on the stage. Reflecting their lower intelligences, we will make their demands more banal and irritating. The monetary quest rewards have been more fittingly replaced with dirt or a piece of string.
# Apprentice Riding (Skill 75): Can now be learned at level 20 for 4 gold. Mail will be sent to players who reach level 20 directing them to the riding trainer.
# Journeyman Riding (Skill 150): Can now be learned at level 40 for 50 gold. Mail will be sent to players who reach level 40 directing them back to the riding trainer.
# Expert Riding (Skill 225): Can now be learned at level 60 for 600 gold from trainers in Honor Hold or Thrallmar. Faction discounts now apply (Honor Hold for Alliance; Thrallmar for Horde). Flight speed at this skill level has been increased to 150% of run speed, up from 60%.
We laugh at you, players of old, as you recall the days where you bought your first mount after scraping, scrabbling, and hoarding gold, your characters’ stomachs rumbling because you couldn’t spare the money to buy them food. We relish the sweet sound of tears dripping off your chin, as you think of the wasted hours spent clambering around the world looking for the most profitable spots and fighting others off for the privilege of getting a few extra silver an hour. You could have been out in the open air, under the sun where creatures of light come and frolic in the springtime among the bucolic pastures reminiscent of your halcyon days of yore. But now those days are gone, gone like ashes into the wind, and you stand aged, jealous, and bitter of the rosy-cheeked newcomers who prance about like imbeciles on their cheap, cheap mounts. We do all this as we go out to eat with the money that you send us every month, our raucous laughs echoing off platters heaped high with caviar and champagne.
